here are some of my:
Best answer goes to the person who replies with the funniest quote! Have fun!
You may have heard of these, or made them, this is only for fun...
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Mary had a little lamb,
The Midwife died of Shock !
Mary had a little lamb,
You've heard this before
But did you know she passed her plate
and had a little more!
Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.
How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
How do you know when you run out of invisible ink?
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
The only two facilities that work on the bell system are schools and prisons.
You know, the more I see of people, the more I like pigs.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a gun.
A diplomat tells you to go to hell and make you happy to be on your way.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure..
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
“Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?” “I think it would be a good idea.”
If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy … that person will find an easier way to do it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Due tomorrow? Do tomorrow.
Real lies, real eyes, realize.
Ababbababbbabaaababbababbabab= Long Time No C
If your parents never had children, chances are, you won’t either.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not meant for you.
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?What's the funniest quotes you have heard of?I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Having sex at 80 is like trying to play Billiards with a rope, instead of a stick!!!.What's the funniest quotes you have heard of?Not easy you covered almost everything
Eagles may soar but weasels don't get stuck in plane engines
If at first you don't succeed - Destroy any evidences that your tried
When in doubt mumble, when in trouble delegate
That's all I can come up right now, don't want to just cut and past more answersWhat's the funniest quotes you have heard of?Im lucky not to have memory loss, at least i dont have memory lossWhat's the funniest quotes you have heard of?I think too much sleeping is bad for my health, that's why I quit thinking.What's the funniest quotes you have heard of?heres sum funny facebook comments :P http://96c41741.picturesetc.net
