Stillness overtook my body as a stared into the timber framed bedroom mirror. I could not believe that the reflection glancing in return was myself. I actually looked quite pretty. The lilac shimmer from the lengthy dress reflected as I turned to view various angles. “Scarlett, come on honey, you don’t want to be late for prom.” Shouted a voice coming from downstairs.
“ Yes, I’m coming mum. Don’t fret.” I replied.
Grabbing for my purse and shawl I made my way out of the room and down the wooden staircase.
“OH MY GOD! She looks just like a princess mummy.” Millie cried as I took my final step and reached the ground floor.
“ Darling, you look beautiful just like a star. My star. My Scarlett Star. All grown up.” tears begin to fall as she grabbed for a tissue to dry and blow her eyes and nose.
“Quick where is that camera, Millie take some snaps of your sister will you?” Millie took hold of the camera and began to capture pictures which soon would become distant memories.
Beep. The car unlocked and I raised my arm to open the car door. “Ouch. Millie your in the back tonight” I screeched at my younger sibling as she tried to dive towards the handle.
“No. I want to be in the front next to Mum or I’m not coming at all.” She bickered. “ Millie we been through this, you are too young to be left on your own and your sitting in the back so its easier for your sister to get out of the car.” Mum said trying to reason with her.
“ NO! it’s the front seat or nothing.” Millie screeched not backing down.
“It’s fine mum, just let her sit in the front. It’s not a problem.” I said starting to get bored and wanting to get the night over with.
“ Ok then, hurry up, we don’t want to be late. How embarrassing that would be for your sister.”
As I walked passed Millie, I felt a strong chill which caused goose bumps to appear all over my arms and back. Believing it to be the wind that caused this, I took no notice and slid into the back of the lime green Beetle.
“ Everybody got their seatbelts on?”
“ Yes mum, come on!”
“Ok Star. But you have to put safety first.”
“Nearly there star, I hope you have a good time you look gorgeous.”
“Thanks Mum, could you put the radio on please.” I say rolling my eyes and I turn to face the window.
The sky had turned black and the stars start to sparkle in the moonlight. I hear mum switching the radio on and I can hear Beyonce singing.
“…You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare…”
“Oh come on, you can go faster it’s 40 mph. Hold on kids I’m going to have to overtake.”
I see a beam of golden headlights reflect in the Windshield of the car.
“Mum, No!” I scream.
The brakes are pulled and I can hear the tyres screeching trying to grip to the road. A dark figure of what looked to me like a boy trying to stop the opposite lorry from colliding straight through us is perceived. The shadow turned and I could glimpse some of his appearance. Then he disappeared. I believe that I am hallucinating from the shock of what is happening. The last thing I see is mum’s nervous expression on what is going to occur.What do you think to this complete chapter? What should i change or add?o.o They crashed?! Ahh I wanna read more!!!!!
Some minor mistakes though.
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You've wrotten it in both the past and present tense. The first half is past and then the second half is present. Pick a tense and stick to it.
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'Tears begin to fall as she grabbed for a tissue to dry and blow her eyes and nose.'
First of all, how can she blow her eyes? Here's how it could've been ;
'Tears began to fall from her proud eyes. She fumbled around in her handbag for a tissue, then dried her eyes and blew her nose once she found one.'
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'The brakes are pulled and I can hear the tyres screeching trying to grip the road.'
This sentence just didn't make sense at all. If there wasn't ice/snow on the road then the car wouldn't be sliding, therefore it woudn't need to grip the road. You could edit it to ;
'Mum pulled on the breaks, making a sickening screeching noise echo around us.'
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Hope I helped some :) I'd be willing to buy this if it were to be published though. Oh and just to mention, I'm twelve so my sentence changing and edits might not be that good :L
My advice for the momment; Keep on going, you'll only get better (Y)What do you think to this complete chapter? What should i change or add?It's a good start, maybe add some more description? But otherwise almost completely perfect :)What do you think to this complete chapter? What should i change or add?I like what you are doing. The story has pace certainly but sometimes it is a bit too fast. There are one or two things you should look at again. The first words %26quot;Stillness overtook my body%26quot; are a contradiction in terms as stillness cannot overtake so try another word. Also the %26quot;reflection glancing in return%26quot; doesn't sound right. I know what you mean but it doesn't come across with those words. The very last paragraph beginning %26quot;The brakes are pulled%26quot; is somewhat confusing.
Having said all that I would still turn the page to see what is going to happen and that is what writing is all about. Keep writing this story and good luck with it.
