I'm a freshman in college and this is an essay about a life changing experience or something that taught me a lesson in life. Please tell me what you think, I honestly think I'm a terrible essay writer and if you think its the worst paper you've ever seen in your life, please say so. Don't hold back :)
Oh and sorry about how it looks, it doesn't really paste correctly in this. I spread it out a little bit but it took out the indents, yes I know paragraphs need to be indented. xD
First Date Gone Awry
Some people’s first dates go horribly wrong; some people’s first dates go perfectly right. I wish that my first date fell under the perfectly right category, but it was far from it. Despite the date going awry I learned from it and it changed not only my love life, but my life as a whole. Before the date I was completely oblivious to what I was doing so I was understandably extremely nervous. I had never kissed a girl before because I was only fourteen so I was excited as well as afraid to even attempt it.
The fact that I was fourteen and she was fifteen made the date a little complicated in itself. I called her when I woke up that day and asked her “So, where do you want to hang out?”
She replied “How about the fair down by the park at 6 p.m.?” which I agreed to hastily without much thought.
I proceeded to take a shower and get prepared for my first date; I put on my cologne and spiked my hair to attempt to make the best impression possible. I sat on my couch watching the clock waiting for it to display 5:45 p.m. which felt like an eternity. The clock finally displayed 5:45 p.m. and I exited the house to my mongoose mountain bike and proceeded to ride it to the park, this is where all the troubles started. While I was riding down a hill my brakes stopped working and I was forced to run into a curb to stop which flipped me over on to the grass. The crash didn’t hurt much but my clothes were covered in the newly mowed grass. I looked at my watch and it displayed 5:50 p.m. therefore I had no time to ride back to my house and change clothes. I rose up and wiped as much grass off of my clothes as possible then walked over to my bike. Since the brakes were out I knew it would be dangerous to ride all the way to the fair though I had no other choice because I couldn’t walk to the park within ten minutes. I made it to the fair rather quickly for having no brakes and proceeded to the tent where we were going to meet. I was so happy that I made it in time. I looked around and saw her looking at me smiling.
I walked over to her and we started talking, I told her what happened on the way to the fair and we both laughed. It seemed as though all was going well. We walked around looking around and talking about various subjects when we came across a bubble popping game where you could win a giant stuffed tiger. She stopped near the game and talked about how cool the stuffed tiger was, in other words she wanted me to win it for her. I checked my pockets and found out that I had forgotten my money. I stood there for around thirty seconds trying to think of what to say, I was so embarrassed. I told her I didn’t have any money and she paused and sighed for a few seconds and said “It’s alright.”
There really wasn’t anything that we could do without any money, I felt so stupid for going to the fair without any money. To make matters worse, I ran out of things to have a conversation about therefore the conversations became dull or nonexistent for periods of time. Before this I had never been on a date before, nor was I very social other than going outside and playing with friends occasionally so coming up with topics to talk about wasn’t second nature to me.
I glanced at her after about a minute without any conversation and she looked extremely bored. She looked at me and said “Well, I have to go and do chores and stuff before I go to sleep.” She left and I was devastated, I knew that was just a lie to get away from how boring I was. It didn’t work out between us because of how boring my personality was so I knew it was time to change. After my first date I became more social and completely changed my life around which made me much happier in the long run, without this day I probably would still be a boring awkward kid that was too shy to talk to anyone.Please critique my essay?Honestly it's not horrible. You have very good details. you do spend a bit too much time on the build up and not as much time on the date but other than that it was pretty good. We had the exact same assignment in my English comp class a couple of weeks ago. And this is better than some ofthe papers I read.Please critique my essay?Honestly it's not bad. It's not 100% great either. I would play around with the wording a bit. That being said I myself am a freshman in college, and if I have learned anything the 1st couple of weeks during my writing class is that detail makes a lot of difference.Please critique my essay?Dear Boring/exciting guy, I loved your essay, and except for a few places that needed commas -- and some transitions would be nice -- it is excellent. you told a first person story %26quot;essay%26quot; about a life changing experience. So, you amused me and I loved all of the personal thoughts without saying, %26quot;I thought%26quot; all the time. great personal essay! Shorten the paragraphs a bit, and fix the punctuation after a coordinating conjunction (you need a comma after and, but, or, nor, for, so). I think your teacher will be amazed, and as amused as I was. Remember that the more details that we can see or hear makes for a better story. The fair must have had somebody calling for you to win the prize for the girl, huh? Put that in, and you have a winner! Thanks for asking, Love and Peace, Stormy Shea
