This is my second draft, I just need you to read over it and tell me if it is understandable, if I have any sentence structure mistakes and all that. Also, tell me if I need to elaborate more in certain areas. I will give best answer to the most helpful answer!
Here's the topic:
%26quot;Write about something that happened to you, or that you did, that you never want to forget. How have your feelings about this event changed?%26quot;
* When I was younger, and still lived in Mexico, I loved going to a town called Talamantes. It was about half an hour away from my home. About twenty minutes it was a regular paved road, and the rest was a dirt road. My dad and my mom would sometimes let me drive, but as I was too short to reach the gas, I would seat on their laps. So basically all I did was turn the wheel, but it could not be more fun. The road was a little bumpy, from the rain, but still I loved every single moment. An aunt and uncle of my father lived there, and they had this very modest home, but their property was large. They had a sown field, where they would grow alfalfa, oats, and corn. They also had a few animals, I believe it was about five cows, three pigs, and several chickens. But my favourite part was the irrigation ditch, where Ilka and I would spend so much time. Ilka is my cousin, she and her mother lived there as well, but her mom worked in the city, so Ilka would stay alone with her grandparents all the time. Ilka and I were really good friends, we would play for hours with our Barbie dolls, and we would go to the irrigation ditch and swim, or fish the charalito fish, to later set them free.
* Sometimes we would go on to the neighbours?property, which was on the other side of the irrigation ditch. There was an improvised wooden bridge, which I hated because I was always terrified that it would brake, but it never did. We were probably eight or nine years old, and we were always by ourselves, which made it much more fun. We would walk to another small river that we loved. On our way I would admire the tall and beautiful pecan trees, apple trees, and peach trees that were perfectly lined up. Ilka and I would pick pecans and peaches from the ground and ate them as we walked. Once we arrived, we took of our shoes and got into the water. There might have been snakes and spiders, but it never crossed my mind, we were just having fun.
* Ilka檚 grandmother, who was my dad檚 aunt, made the most delicious foods. And what amazed me the most, was that she made it all with stuff they grew on their ranch, or from the animals they had. That was the first time I drank milk from a cow I had petted earlier. Tia Vike, that檚 what we would call her, also made quince jelly, burnt milk fudge, and all sorts of fruits like apples, pears, and peaches with syrup in jars. She would always give my mom a jar of fruit when she came to pick me up. Then we would eat it when we got home, and I would start to count the seconds till I could go back.
* I have not been back there in seven years, and now that I think of it, it has been a very long time. But I cannot, and don檛 want to get the memories out of my head. But something has changed, I am no longer a kid, and that place has probably changed as much as I have. I do not want to go back and see it. I know that it would not change my memories, but it will ruin that magic that as kids we give things, but in my heart, I will always treasure that place, forever.Can you proofread my essay?For %26quot;about twenty minutes%26quot;
Break, not %26quot;brake%26quot;.
Eat %26quot;them as we walked%26quot;.
%26quot;took%26quot; off %26quot;our shoes.%26quot; In the paragraph you're talking about many trips, but in this sentence you switch to one trip. I suggest %26quot;Once we arrived we%26quot; would take off %26quot;our shoes and%26quot; get %26quot;into the water%26quot;.
%26quot;That was the first time I drank milk from a cow I had petted earlier.%26quot; I'd put this sentence before the one before it and change the wording. It's kind off awkward.
Overall you have a lot of run on sentences and you have way, way too many commas. Read up on how to use commas and try to use other punctuation for variety. : ; - ( )
Don't take my criticism the wrong way, it's a really good essay with a lot of meaning. It's also actually interesting to read which almost never happens with school essays.Can you proofread my essay?%26quot;About twenty minutes it was a regular paved road, and the rest was a dirt road. My dad and my mom would sometimes let me drive, but as I was too short to reach the gas, I would seat on their laps.%26quot;
I noticed a few things that could sound better
Here is my correction:
%26quot;For about twenty minutes it was a regular paved road, then the rest was a dirt road. My dad and mom would sometimes let me drive, but as I was too short to reach the gas, I would sit on their laps.%26quot;
And another
%26quot;I believe it was about five cows, three pigs, and several chickens.%26quot;
It could sound better
%26quot;I believe there was about five cows, three pigs and several chickens.%26quot;
And
%26quot;or fish the charalito fish, to later set them free.%26quot;
Could possibly be
%26quot;or fish for charalito fish, and later set them free.%26quot;
Also .. are you sure this is an essay.. Usually essays are based around a particular topic, not writing stories..
The rest is actually very nice.
Another thing though, if you refer to someone as 'mom', maybe you should stick to mom throughout, instead of sometimes calling her mom and then sometimes calling her mother.
