I'm trying to figure out how to ask/tell my husband not to do something without insulting him and to help us communicate better.
When he calls me, he starts off saying %26quot;We have a problem!%26quot; Then tells me the issues, but doesn't say what needs to be done or anything, unless I ask him a bunch of questions to fill in the gaps. Then he gets frustrated with me and we start arguing sometimes.
I cringe when he calls and the first thing he says %26quot;we have a problem! The brakes are going in the truck...%26quot; or whatever.
I would rather he just me what's going on and what ideas he has. It makes it easier if he says, %26quot;the brake is going, I need to bring it into the shop. When can we schedule it?%26quot;
How can I approach him and suggest that when he calls with an issue and not to start off saying %26quot;We have a problem!%26quot; and all panicky?How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?I agree with the changing issue. I just got called out by my fiance, for trying to do it to her. This instance comes down to truth. Start a conversation with him about a neutral subject and slowly start to hint towards your question. Then ask him straight up, but have a suggestion or compromise already set-up. Ask him what he would like to do and go from there. He probably doesnt know it bugs you ;)How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?Maybe he doesn't offer ideas because he doesn't have any? If he had thought it through before calling you, it wouldn't be %26quot;a problem,%26quot; it would just be a situation.
Why do you end up argueing? Just stick to yhe facts and help him work it out, he may need a sounding board to help the thinking process. He needs your guidance, that's why he is %26quot;panicky%26quot;.
Example:
Him: We have a problem!
You: What's the problem?
Him: The brakes are going in the truck...
You: How bad are they?
Him: Really bad.
You: Will they last until you can get them fixed?
Him: I don't know.
You: Can you drive it right now?
Him: Yes.
You: Where do you usually get your brakes fixed?
Him: Midas (or wherever)
You: When are you going to call them?
Him: Right now?
You: Good boy, bring ice cream when you come home.How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?Just tell him to avoid using the words %26quot;we have a problem%26quot;.How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?I understand your situation. I have observed my hubby and my dad and both wont divulge too many details.. I have to ask and ask questions to get some information... so you are not alone.
Second, try reading the book, men are from mars and women are from Venus... you will have a wonderful time understanding why men behave the way they do and why women behave the way we do..
Its a must read to understand your spouse, it has helps me a lot.. We rarely fight these days and just laugh over our differences..
It has helped me, hope it helps you too.. (btw, the book is available in borders or any good book stores)How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?Sit him down and let him know that although you love that he comes to you for advice on all subjects his approach needs a little work. Tell him that things would go a lot smoother and get resolved a lot quicker if he would leave the drama out of the situation that clearly doesn't require drama.....brakes needing work isn't detrimental unless he is currently in the car going down a steep hill and they aren't working at all.....in that case sure panick!! Otherwise just the information that they need to be looked at will do. Also let him know that the fact that he values your problem solving methods it would be nice if he would contribute to the process as well.How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?Tell him that when he begins a conversation like that it scares you and makes you worried that something's really wrong, like someone is hurt or there's been some kind of accident. Ask him if he would mind just coming out and saying what the problem is without the introduction. When he gets that, start encouraging him to come up with ideas on his own by asking what he would like to do to fix the problem. If he gives you grief, say something like %26quot;Well I don't know too much about brake systems so I though you might have a better idea than me how to fix it.%26quot; It'll boost his ego thinking that you are coming to him to save the day and that there are still some things that he can do and you rely on him for - guys need that. It'll also encourage him to start thinking like a problem solver, not a problem starter.How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?That has nothing to do with trying to change him (as a person) just adjust how he communicates. Tell him how you feel and that the %26quot;We have a problem!%26quot; makes things sound a lot worse than they need to...let him know it would be more clear to you if he'd just state the issue, and what ideas he has already to fix it...or if he's asking for your input then state the issue, and ask what you think should be done.How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?This isnt changing him, this is just a change in communication.
I would tell him when he has a chance to talk (NOT when he has said this, you must talk to him when nothing serious is going on): %26quot;Hon, I really appreciate that you notice things in our lives to make it better like the truck needing new brakes. if you didnt notice it, i probably would never have and i feel safe with your awareness in our life. i wonder though, when you want to do something or if something needs fixing, would it be possible to discuss issues not starting with 'we have a problem'? of course i will do my best to help, but it makes me really nervous when you start off the sentence with 'we have a problem' and i immediately think the worst, like you are hurt or something. if you could state what the issue is, like 'the brake is thinning, it needs to go to the shop, when can we schedule it?', it would make me so much happier and more relaxed to listen. what do you think about it?%26quot; and let him answer. i bet since he cares for your safety so much, he just really needs a gentle signal from you on how to communicate with you.
try it and see. if you give him positive points and allow him to fix the situation, it will allow him to feel like a strong man protecting you. good luck!How can I resist the urge to %26quot;change%26quot; him?Next time he does it, just stop him while he's freaking out and say, %26quot;Baby... every time you do this it's more confusing for me to understand the problem. Just tell me what needs to be done and we'll fix it, it's okay%26quot; etc etc. Maybe he'll catch on eventually and stop doing that. Just explain it to him
